


Nothing Burns Like The Cold

by alittleskinnydip



Category: Free!
Genre: College AU, M/M, makoharu - Freeform, maruka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2017-12-30 03:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittleskinnydip/pseuds/alittleskinnydip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru never realized how much he relied on the constant presence of Makoto in his life. Haru pretended not to notice how badly Makoto's absence was affecting his health. Because it was for his sake after all. He promised himself that he wouldn't hold Makoto back any longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burden

_“You're leaving?” Haru frowned at the sound of his voice. He didn't intend to sound so hollow... so wounded, but as hard as he tried, his voice betrayed him. As did the weight he felt overcome his chest, the pressure growing more intense the longer he stared blankly at the back of Makoto's shoulders._

_“Mmhmm, at the end of the week..”_

_The pain of his friend's words settled uncomfortably in his heart when he realized that this was real. Haru held his breath when he saw Makoto stir._

_“I got an offer from Tokyo University to study in their medical program. Full ride,” Makoto paused trying to collect his thoughts, “I thought... well, the opportunity, you know?” The normally warm and cheerful voice came across unsure and shaky; it was something that Haru would never get used to hearing._

_“Yeah, it is a good opportunity...”_

_Makoto nodded in response and the following space was filled with silence, neither knowing what to say. Haru looked down at his hands that were shaking with the realization that Makoto, the one absolute constant in his life, was in fact, like everybody else before him, leaving._

_Everyone was always leaving._

-

“Haru-chan!”

The knocking on the door grew louder and more hasty. The little blond shivered, pulling his thick jacket around himself tighter before knocking again.

“Haru-chan, please open the door! It's really cold out here and I don't have much time!” Nagisa cried wearily. His quick breaths were visible on the cold air, which was incredibly unusual for mid October. Normally, it didn't get this cold until early winter and yet a thick scarf adorned Nagisa's pale neck. If the weather stayed like this, it could even snow. Nagisa's eyes wandered across the gray sky at the thought, still tapping his foot impatiently. He knew Haru was home, the lights were on upstairs. He moved closer to the door, peering through the glass and squinting to get a better look. When he saw a figure slowly walking towards the door, he sighed in relief. The lock clicked and the door opened.

“About time!” Nagisa moved to quickly shuffle inside but stopped just past the door frame, that was where he got a good look at the person standing before him.

“Haru-chan?” Nagisa's voice came out small and high pitched, almost in shock. The violet eyes were locked on as Haru closed the door, shivering for a moment from the wind. His eyes met Nagisa's gaze and narrowed.

“What is it?” Haru asked, sounding annoyed, “Why are you here anyway?”

Nagisa shook his head, forcing his eyes elsewhere as he held up two small boxes.

“I was in the area for work, I thought I'd bring you lunch since I haven't seen you in a while,” he forced his normal energetic tone, “I think we should catch up!”

“You didn't have to,” Haru mumbled, pulling his blue sweater closer around him. Haru kept his distance from the blond, pushing his back up against the wall. Nagisa caught on to his strange mannerisms and it came as no surprise to him. The very few phone conversations they've had over the past month were never longer than five minutes. Any offer to come over was quickly denied with an excuse. Every text was just a struggle to get an answer. It's been over a month.. and it was slowly starting to fall together. Nagisa sighed, placing the food onto the bare table in the kitchen.

“Haru-chan, it looks like you don't even live here!” he groaned. Nagisa quickly flung open the pantry doors only to reveal it was practically empty.

“There's no food here! You know you're starting to look sickly..” his voice quieted out when he saw visible pain flash across Haru's features. But it wasn't a lie in the least bit. In fact, when he really thought about it, Nagisa truly felt scared for his sake. Before Haru pulled his sweater around himself, he could see how loosely the shirt hung around his frame. Haru's normal complexion was much paler than usual. Even his hair was too long, his bangs now hanging over most of his eyes.

“Am not,” Haru answered in annoyance. He sat down at the table, eyes carefully focused on Nagisa as he took the seat closest to him.

_Why._

“Ah, just my imagination then. Maybe it's because I haven't seen you in so long,” Nagisa lied, “Have you been swimming lately? Is that why you never have time to see me? Eeeeh, Haru-chan, that's it, isn't it?”

Haru frowned, “No, it's been too cold.”

“Ah, I'm glad to hear you say that. Mako-chan wanted me to make sure you weren't swimming in this weather.”

Nagisa watched Haru carefully, taking note of how he noticeably flinched at the mention of Makoto. His entire demeanor changed. His hands tugged at the sleeves of his sweater and he compulsively shook his legs, refusing to make eye contact with the blond.

That was it.

Nagisa wondered why he didn't figure it out sooner.

“This is about Mako-chan, isn't it?”

Haru shifted uncomfortably, he'd been avoiding the thought for so long now.. 

“What do you mean 'this' is about Makoto, what is 'this'”? Haru responded quietly, still looking away.

“Haru-chan, you honestly look like you haven't eaten in days. When was the last time you ate?”

Haru didn't answer. The truth was he couldn't really remember. He couldn't remember much of anything. What day of the week it was, what time it was, how many days he'd just lay in bed motionless before sleep took him again, or how many times his lungs felt too compressed to breathe. Only one number still lingered through Haru's thoughts.

“49.”

49 days since he last saw Makoto.

“WHAT?” Nagisa cried leaping from his seat, “You can't be serious!” The color drained from the blond's face as he latched his hands onto Haru's shoulders. “You can't do that! You'll surely drop dead at any second!”

Haru sighed, “Don't be stupid. It's probably been a day or two.”

“Stupid Haru-chan, don't scare me!” Nagisa pouted sitting back down, “If this is affecting you so much, why haven't you gone to see him?”

“It isn't affecting me.”

Nagisa rolled his eyes, “Okay fine, it isn't affecting you, even so, why haven't you gone to see him? Mako-chan says you rarely pick up the phone.”

Haru shrugged.

“He's busy. I don't want to bother him.”

“I doubt he would be calling you if you were a bother to him!” Nagisa argued. What was so difficult to grasp about the situation? He knew Haru was stubborn but it was never like this when it came to Makoto.

“Look, Haru-chan, I get it. You miss him. I miss him too, and Rei-chan, but it won't be like this forever. You need to start taking better care of yourself. Mako-chan could probably tell something was up when you weren't answering your phone, I was surprised when he told me to check up on you.”

Haru looked up suddenly, the look in his eyes was distraught.

“Makoto sent you here?”

“Ehhh...” Nagisa realized he probably shouldn't have mentioned that little bit of information, “He's just worried about you! I mean... you two were always together, so having next to no contact must be freaking him out..”

_Or was it the other way around?_

“Even hundreds of miles away I'm burdening him...” Haru muttered.

“You WILL be burdening him if you don't start taking better care of yourself!” Nagisa reached for the boxes he placed on the edge of the table. He placed one in front of Haru, motioning for him to eat.

“Not now, Nagisa.”

“Then when?”

“When I'm hungry.”

“Which will be...?”

Haru bit his lip. His stomach felt hollow, but not from the lack of nutrients. The familiar pain resurfaced in his heart and spread like a fire across his body. Makoto was wasting time worrying about him and calling him when he should be focusing on school. His stomach was in knots and it has been for so long now.

“I've been holding Makoto back...”

Nagisa looked up surprised at the sudden honesty after struggling to get just a straight sentence out of Haru.

“What do you mean?” The little blond's curious eyes now focused on dull blue.

“Our whole lives, Makoto has always been the one taking care of others. He looked after Ren and Ran, he looked after our team, and … he's done so much for me. This might be the first thing that Makoto has done for himself and it's something really important.”

“You mean school?”

Haru nodded, “I don't want to hold Makoto back from his life anymore.”

“But I don't think Mako-chan has ever seen it that way. He takes care of people because that's just in his nature, isn't it?”

“Of course it is, but that's also a fatal flaw of his. He'll put others before himself at all cost. So...” Haru lowered his voice, “I need you to promise me that you won't tell Makoto about... uh...”

“About how terribly you're taking care of yourself?” Nagisa finished. Haru glared slightly offended, but nevertheless, it was the truth. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Nagisa, I really really need you not to say anything. Just... tell him everything is fine. Tell him I've been busy so I haven-”

“Why don't you tell him yourself?” Nagisa asked sadly, “He's been trying to contact you for a while now. And for more than just a two minute conversation.”

Haru didn't answer.

“Okay how about this then. If you contact Mako-chan, then and only then, I won't say anything,” Nagisa smiled wide.

“Nagisa...”

“You better make up your mind because I have to leave in five minutes~” Nagisa taunted.

Haru's eyes shifted to his cell phone laying in its usual place, neglected. The first few weeks, he would at least pick up for a few minutes, but now he just lets it ring. He couldn't even remember the last time they spoke over the phone.. or what it was they talked about.

But what he could remember was the sound of his voice and the sound of his laughter. He could remember the sorrow he heard from their last moments together and the way his voice shook when he said goodbye. It was a reassuring thought that ran through Haru's mind.

_It's for the best after all._

“Fine.”


	2. To Remember You By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "His muscles ached when he shifted and Haru frowned knowing that there was no real reason behind it. It wasn't an ache of pain, it was an ache of sadness, and the more he realized it, the more overwhelming the pressure around his lungs became."

  
_It's cold._

Haru turned and pulled his blankets closer around himself when he realized how badly he was shivering. A slight curiosity had him peaking open his tired eyes and glancing towards the window. The gray skies were present as always around this time of year and it was strangely comforting; almost like they justified his unproductive nature. It was lifeless and dull, exactly how Haru felt about himself in this current moment. He had woken up maybe around two hours ago but the thought of forcing his legs to move made him feel nauseous. His muscles ached when he shifted and Haru frowned knowing that there was no real reason behind it. It wasn't an ache of pain, it was an ache of sadness, and the more he realized it, the more overwhelming the pressure around his lungs became.

Haru's eyes shifted to his phone laying in its usual place far away from his bedside. The tiny green light blinked signaling unread messages, the one thing he hoped he wouldn't see this morning. One way or another it was going to be someone he didn't want to speak to.

Did Nagisa find out he hadn't contacted Makoto yet? Maybe he sent a text threatening to reveal the truth about his current state.

_No. Things are fine._

They were fine... Haru clenched his hands into fists and pushed himself up with much effort. His joints popped loudly one after another, leading from his wrists to his shoulders. He winced at the pain of stretching out his body. Swinging his legs over the side of his bed, he wondered if his lower half would react the same way. Cautiously, he stood up and placed his hands on the back of his hips followed by a long stretch back. The soft cracks ran down his spine, but his legs seemed fine. He exhaled harshly hoping that the aching would leave him soon. Haru reached for his phone, noticing the slight twisting of his stomach when he slid it open.

_What did he have to be afraid of?_

Makoto's name appeared on the screen.

_Exactly that._

He tentatively clicked the message and started reading.

[Haru! Nagisa said that he visited you yesterday. I've been kind of worried about you since we haven't spoken in a while but... ah never mind. I thought I should tell you that my school's reading week is coming up in two weeks.. maybe if you have time you could come up and visit. I have extra space since my roommate moved out so you wouldn't have to worry about a place to stay but... well.. only if you want to. Give me a call.]

“Makoto...” Haru held his breath. This was worse than he thought it would be. An invitation to see him? Why was Makoto still wasting time... Why did he still care after being ignored for so long. Haru closed his phone and clutched it as tight as he could. He sunk to the ground and brought his knees to his chest, still unable to take a breath. He could feel his chest being compressed and his arms shaking as they wrapped around his legs. His eyes stung with warm tears he tried to hold back. Was there any use to this at all?

“Why...” Haru whispered to himself, biting his lip hard enough to break skin.

50 days.

50 days without Makoto.

50 days he's given him to forget and yet he still sends a message like that.

_Why._

Haru sucked in a shaky breath and immediately a wave of dizziness rushed to his head. He leaned forward letting his forehead rest against the cool wall and waited silently for it to pass. The contrast was comforting to some extent. It was getting worse...

He promised Nagisa he would contact Makoto. He promised in exchange for secrecy. Haru knew that putting it off for much longer was dangerous, especially considering Nagisa already contacted Makoto since yesterday. He unwillingly loosened his hold on the phone and slid it open again. The screen lit and Makoto's name flashed brightly across the top. The first contact in his address book.. out of the seven people he had in there. Haru frowned at the immediate adrenaline rush he felt when he brought his thumb over the call button.

_It's better this way._

Haru shook his head at the thoughts flooding his head.

_Just do it. Just click call. It's only Makoto, just tell him the truth. Tell him everything. Tell him to come home. Tell him that you lost the light from your life. Tell him you can't live without him. He'll understand. He'll come home.. He'll come back to you._

The phone rang once. When Haru realized it, he frantically held it to his ear.

It rang again. When did he even press call? Haru's hands shook worse than before.

And again.

And again.

Haru felt his heart sinking further with each ring. He felt the hollowness filling him with every passing second. The feeling of despair growing heavier and heavier until...

“Hello? Haru?!”

Makoto's voice.

“Haru, are you there?”

Exactly how he remembered it. Exactly how it sounded in his head when he read his messages. Haru opened his mouth to speak but was unable to make a sound. All he could do was pray that Makoto would speak a little more. Just one more sentence. One more word.

“Haru?”

Haru opened his mouth again. At this rate, Makoto would hang up.

_Say something. Say anything._

“Mako-” he started, but immediately bit back a cry. His voice broke, there was no doubt Makoto heard it. Haru pulled the phone away from his ear and took a deep breath.

_Get yourself together._

“Haru?! Haru, are you okay?!” he could barely hear the frantic voice coming over the phone. He brought his hand up to his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

_Stop. You're okay. Everything is fine._

He took another deep breath and nodded for reassurance, quickly bringing the phone back to his ear.

“Sorry..”

“Haru! What's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you hurt?” Makoto frantic questions came out rushed and blurred together.

“Yeah, no, I...” Haru couldn't come up with an excuse, “I got your message.”

There was a pause and Haru knew exactly what Makoto was doing. He was trying to read him. Even through the phone he was so persistent and most of the time accurate. It was one of the reasons Haru stopped answering the phone, because every time he did Makoto could tell he was upset. He could tell whether Haru had done anything that day or if he was lying about his health. But now Haru had another lingering question on his mind.

Did the recent lack of communication limit Makoto's ability?

“Ah! Does that mean you'll come to Tokyo? You can take the train with Nagisa, I'm sure he'd love to see Rei,” Makoto's voice returned to its normal cheery tone. Haru sighed with relief, his question answered.

Makoto couldn't read him anymore.

“Not sure, I'll see if I have time,” Haru said quietly. His fingers pulled at a loose string on the shirt he was wearing.

Makoto's shirt.

“Haru, surely you haven't started a job or something. You would have told me, right?”

It was almost painful to hear the uncertainty behind that statement. Haru frowned, feeling his stomach twisting into knots again. His actions were causing Makoto to question things that never had to be questioned before, and he didn't expect it to hurt this much.

“I would...” Haru regretted saying, “But... I'll let you know okay?”

He could envision Makoto tilting his head slightly and giving a warm smile. How he missed such little things...

“Sure. Either way... it's really nice to hear your voice. I was starting to get worried... how is everything?”

A sudden beep rang in Haru's ear. Another call? He has never been so grateful to receive a call in his life.

“Hold on, I have another call,” Haru mumbled.

“Okay.”

Haru swiped the screen to see who was calling, but the name that showed up on the screen didn't put his worries at ease in the least bit. He scoffed.

“On second thought, never mind...” Haru brought the phone back to his ear.

“Eh? Who is it?” Makoto quickly asked.

“Rin...”

“Haru! Answer it! I bet you haven't talked to him in a long while either. He hasn't been around since graduation, you should see what he wants!”

Haru rolled his eyes. What else could he possibly want...

“If you say so..”

Haru clicked into Rin's call.

“Hello?”

“Haru! Where are you right now?” he practically yelled. The background noise of the call made it sound like he was surrounded by a lot of people. Where could he possibly be? Maybe the train station?

“Home. Where are you?” Haru raised an eyebrow wondering if he was right.

“I just got off the train at Iwatobi station! I'm coming to get you and we're going to race!” Rin yelled.

_Bingo._

“You don't have to yell, I can hear you just fine,” Haru sighed.

“Eh? Sorry, it's really loud over here, the noise is messing with me! I'll be there in twenty minutes!”

“Sorry.. but I can't,” Haru said without thinking. The sudden silence that followed immediately made Haru aware of his fatal error.

“You're turning down swimming...” Rin stated. Haru very nearly slapped himself. That was the final strike. Everything wasn't okay. Not at all.

“Did something happen?” Rin's voice grew softer.

“N-No just.. it's been really cold so I haven't swam in a while. I probably need a new swimsuit, mine are still worn out from the past season..” he lied.

“Well what better time than now to practice again! I can get us into Samezuka's pool, and knowing you, you won't turn that down. Just get ready, I'm on my way.”

The call ended.

_This is bad._

Makoto's call switched back over.

“Makoto?” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“Ah! I'm here, what did Rin want?”

“He wants to race...”

Haru flinched upon hearing Makoto's gentle laugh over the phone, he hadn't thought about that laugh in so long. It was one of those things he didn't even realize he missed.

“I should have guessed. I'm assuming you're gonna go then?”

“...yeah.”

“Well.. don't take such a long time to call again, okay? Tell me how the race goes.. and let me know about coming up here, okay?”

_Why does he sound so happy?_

“Sure. I'll...” Haru stopped to wonder whether the next words were safe to say, “I'll talk to you later.”

Without waiting for a response, he ended the call. He didn't want to hear Makoto's parting words again. That was one thing that still rang loudly in his memory. So loud that it left his ears ringing. Haru shut his eyes tight, once again leaning his body closer to the wall and letting his forehead rest against the cool surface. Every night it was the same thing. Every night it was reliving the same memory. The same saddened voice that he would never get used to hearing. The familiar ache that wrapped itself around his whole body. The inability to breathe. The pain in his heart. Those green eyes spilling with tears.

Makoto's goodbye.


	3. You Should Know Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What is all this about? Stop shutting everybody out and speak for once! What could you possibly be gaining by not saying anything, you're suffering. And you're suffering alone... again.”

Haru was silent.

The entire walk to the train station, the entire ride to Samezuka; he didn't say a word, he simply let Rin speak. Rin ranted on about his new records, how much his time has improved since they last swam together, and how his dreams felt nearer than ever before. And aside from an occasional 'mmhmm' or a nod, Haru's throat felt closed off, unable to speak even if he wanted to.

“Your hair is ridiculous, Haru. You should really cut it,” Rin teased with a small laugh. He knocked on the glass door to the aquatics building loudly and impatiently. His fingers anxiously fiddled with the string from his jacket. It had gotten colder since they left Haru's house. Haru was starting to regret coming along. Rin sighed and turned to face him, wondering why he stood away at such ridiculous distance. His cheeks and nose had turned bright red, breaths coming out in small white puffs against the cold air.

“I'm serious about your hair. How can you walk around without tripping over something?” Rin noticed the tension. Haru shrugged his shoulders and immediately shivered. Rin carefully eyed his actions, there was something off..

Something different.

Rin tapped his foot impatiently and once again turned to knock on the door, finally gaining someone's attention. The figure came over and unlocked the door.

“Can I help- ...Matsuoka?!” the familiar voice lit up with enthusiasm. The red head stepped outside holding the door open and motioning for both boys to come inside.

“It's been a while, Seijuuro,” Rin smiled, waving for Haru to follow. The inside was warm and humid in comparison due to the water, and Haru felt his tension subsiding ever so slightly. The scent of chlorine was comforting and nostalgic, and Haru loved the familiar setting. He stared ahead as Rin and Seijuuro played catch up for a few moments. He kept his hands in his pockets, one subconsciously wrapped around his cellphone. A cellphone that he almost never carried on him but for some reason, he couldn't bare the thought of leaving without today.

_Without a way to contact..._

“Haru! Let's swim!” Rin suddenly yelled out. Seijuuro pointed over to the unused lane pool and nodded. His eyes widened, the water looked so inviting, so clear and shimmering. It was no use, Rin would talk him into it eventually.

“Okay,” Haru mumbled, finally speaking his first words of the evening. Seijuuro neared as Haru put his things down on a nearby bench.

“I know that Matsuoka has been practicing like crazy, but how have you been? Have you found a place to swim in this weather?” he asked in his warm tone. Haru shook his head, carefully taking off his scarf.

“You know that you're more than welcome to swim here when my team isn't having practice. You just have to let me know.” Haru glanced over at Rin who was already down to his swimmers, stretching near the start blocks.

“You're lucky...” Haru mumbled, referring to the fact that Seijuuro stayed on board the swim team after graduation. He was now coaching the first years and could swim whenever he wanted. Haru stripped off his jacket, letting his cell phone drop into the pocket, and placed it near the scarf.

“Can I ask you something?”

Seijuuro looked surprised for a moment, “What is it?”

Haru bit his lip, knowing that it wasn't wise to bring up the topic. He knew that speaking would only crumble his walls even further but the thought was invading, and too uncomfortable to keep in his thoughts.

“Why did you stay here?” There was no hiding the shakiness of his voice. Avoiding eye contact, he continued to undress.

“Well, this place is familiar to me. I grew up here and all of my family is here. Since I got the opportunity to stay at the school and coach, I don't see why I would leave,” Seijuuro pondered out loud, “Why do you ask?”

Haru flinched, eyes averting to anywhere else.

“I was just...”

_Don't say anything._

“Wondering what would cause someone to leave their home.”

_You idiot._

Seijuuro raised an eyebrow in question, keen to the saddened expression Haru was desperately trying to hide.

“Maybe to gain a new experience,” his voice softened, “or maybe there's something out there that wasn't obtainable back here. Either way, it's not something you should take personally.”

Haru didn't answer and Seijuuro didn't wait for one. He walked back over to Rin to continue their conversation. Haru folded his pants and placed the last of his clothes neatly together. Rin and Seijuuro's laughter echoed through the room. What were they talking about?

“Haru! Come on!” Rin called, sitting down on the starting block in the 4th lane. Why did he have to be so persistent? Haru ran his thumb along the edge of his swimmers, slipping it under the hem for a moment.

_Loose._

He knew he needed a new suit. Swimming wouldn't be comfortable like this... There would be more resistance, the water wouldn't hug his body like normal. Once again, Haru wondered why he agreed to this in the first place.

“Coming,” he mumbled, pushing the thoughts to the back of his head. Rin slipped his goggles on and snapped the band like always. This was finally his chance to show Haru how much he's grown. It's been months since their last race and they were still neck at neck then. This was it. That's what he told himself when he saw Haru climb onto the start block in lane 5. Those were the thoughts that ran through his mind until... out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Haru's legs.

“100 free! Get ready!” Seijuuro called. Haru's hands found the edge of the starting block, gripping it tightly trying to ignore the dizziness in his head.

Rin followed, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from Haru. What the hell was up his legs? And his arms? And his... everything.

“Go!”

Haru dove in, snapping Rin out of his thoughts.

_A late start?_

Rin couldn't remember the last time he was distracted enough to start late. Forget. Forget everything that isn't swimming. Just like always. Rin pushed through the water, and before he even had time to blink, Haru was by his side.

The first turn.

Rin pulled ahead, just like always. His long legs always made his kick off stronger. One arm in front of the other, a breath every 6 strokes, light kicks until his hands reached the other end.

Another turn.

Rin kicked off with all his strength and pulled ahead even further. That feeling Rin had earlier resurfaced in his chest. Something was definitely off. His eyes found Haru through the water, he was just barely getting to the second turn.

_He's that far behind?_

Maybe he's messing around. Or maybe he's practiced enough to tease Rin til the final stretch. Haru was always amazing at powerful bursts towards the end of a race. It didn't matter. All Rin knew was to put one arm in front of the other until the race was over. He gasped for air when he realized that the distractions were messing up his pattern.

_Every six. Come on._

Final turn.

Rin let himself get lost in the water. It didn't matter where Haru was. It didn't matter what he was planning. Rin was still faster. Rin had to be. One hand forward, pull, and again..

Again..

Again..

Rin slapped his hands against the edge of the pool, lifting his head up and gasping for breath. He pulled his goggles off and smiled. Victory still tasted sweet. He knew he had improved. Quickly, he lifted himself out of the pool and turned towards Haru's lane. And he felt his heart drop.

Haru just barely finishing the final lap. Haru reaching the edge completely out of breath. He pulled off his goggles as well, placing them on the edge of the pool. His hands shaking, arms unable to support his body out of the water and up over the edge.

Rin has gotten better but... not by that much.

“Haru, what the hell?” was all he could manage to say. He took Haru by the arm and pulled him out of the water; how little effort it took was startling. Haru tried to stand, still shaky and unable to catch his breath.

“What's going on with you?” Rin asked.

“N-Nothing,” Haru tried to firmly say.

_Nothing is wrong._

_Everything is fine._

_Just leave it alone._

_Please..._

Haru's knees gave out.

“Haru!” Rin cried, lowering his body to the ground.

“Everything is...” Haru started. His arms shook trying to support his weight. “Is fine..”

Seijuuro rushed over to Rin's side, dropping to his knees beside Haru.

_Please..._

“Keep it together, Nanase,” Seijuuro said, placing his hands on Haru's shoulders.

“It's fine,” Haru sighed, even though the dizziness still hadn't left him.

“Stop saying it's fine!” Rin suddenly shouted, “Look at yourself! What the hell is going on with you! You've diminished to the point you can't even swim properly!? What is all this about? Stop shutting everybody out and speak for once! What could you possibly be gaining by not saying anything, you're suffering. And you're suffering alone... again.”

Haru turned away, closing his eyes and wincing in pain as a head rush washed over him.

“Does Makoto know about this?”

_No._

_No, don't bring him up._

_Not now, Rin, please._

Haru's thoughts once again jumbled and crowded his mind. Once again, his stomach twisted in knots and his heart felt ice cold. His lungs compressed, his closed eyes stung, and the numb feeling quickly spread causing Haru to try to curl his knees up to his chest. And the mannerism was enough for Seijuuro to put two and two together.

“Rin, let's just get him some water for now.”

Rin looked up skeptically, but the look in Seijuuro's eyes had more to tell. From the days when they were teammates, he always understood when the redhead was dead serious. So there was no questioning it. Rin nodded, slowly standing up and leaving the two to grab a water bottle, still left with the ultimate question lingering in his head.

What the hell happened to Haru in the last three months?


	4. Give My Chains Some Keys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he only knew Makoto would be leaving like this, he would have stayed up. He would have... gone over or spent the night or... something other than this. It was too bland and too quick, it was definitely too soon. Haru wasn't prepared for this at all.

“Nanase...” Seijuuro lowered his voice to barely above a whisper, eyes still carefully watching Rin. Haru pushed his bangs away from his eyes and offered a questioning look. And while Seijuuro's calm face was stationary, the things around him were still spinning slightly. He couldn't stop his eyes from shutting tight when he felt himself sinking further into a head rush, it felt like he was falling into the depths of the water where it was soundless and dark. A place he often imagined himself but the last place he'd like to be right now. His eyes opened when Seijuuro spoke.

“You haven't seen him since he left, huh?”

_Nobody was going to leave this alone, were they?_

“No...”

Seijuuro shifted back onto his ankles, resting his elbows on his knees.

“And you don't plan on seeing him? You plan to avoid him at all costs for the next few years while he's away at school?”

Haru frowned, he never really thought that far into the future. He never realized that this could continue for years. He never realized that this ache wouldn't leave him anytime soon. All that was left was the undeniable fact that answering Makoto's phone calls would make him a burden. Going to see Makoto would serve as a distraction. And that if Makoto knew the current state of Haru's mind, he would worry entirely too much. 

And that couldn't happen.

“I guess so...”

The words cut deep into Haru's heart. This was the first time he's said it out loud. The first time the words left his lips.

“Okay, and how about after?”

Just how long would it be before he saw Makoto again? Haru blinked. “...After?”

Seijuuro smirked, “After he finishes school and comes back to his home. What then?”

Haru sucked in his breath and held it, trying to force his body to ache less, hoping that his hands wouldn't start shaking again.

“Do you really believe that cutting all contact with him makes this easier for him? You don't think that maybe he's sitting in his dorm room feeling completely alone, surrounded by unfamiliar things and people, wishing for his cherished friend to give him a sense of home?” Seijuuro stood when he saw Rin coming back with a water bottle.

“Do you really think you're the only one who was hurt when you said goodbye?”

Haru's eyes widened.

Was that the truth?

\- - -

_“It's a long ride, that's why I'm leaving so early.” Makoto's voice shook and Haru didn't have the courage to bring his eyes up, he forced himself instead to focus on anything else. The uncertainty, how he spoke holding his breath, it was strange, it wasn't like him at all. Haru kept his eyes averted, staring at the ground and noticing how close together they seemed to stand. Makoto was barely an inch away. The sun had started to peek out over the rooftops of the neighboring houses; it was still incredibly early. If he only knew Makoto would be leaving like this, he would have stayed up. He would have... gone over or spent the night or... something other than this. It was too bland and too quick, it was definitely too soon. Haru wasn't prepared for this at all._

_“I'm sorry that I woke you up.. but it just wouldn't feel right leaving without saying goodbye,” Makoto added. Haru frowned, he felt his jaw tighten accompanying the pain that flared in his chest. This isn't what he wanted. This isn't how he wanted it to happen. Haru tilted his head up.. and his heart sank._

_Tears._

_There were tears streaming down Makoto's cheek, and he made no effort to hide them. No effort to wipe them away. If anything, it was the most honest display Haru had ever seen coming from the boy. More honest than confessions in the rain and in empty hotel rooms. More honest than overjoyed embraces after winning a race. Because this wasn't a choice, it was an impulse from having too many emotions pushed too far. Makoto couldn't hold it in any longer. And even through that display of raw emotion, something Makoto rarely let anybody see, there was one thing that was ever preset that Haru couldn't help but feel angry about._

_Makoto's smile._

_How could he smile? How could he so freely display such contrasting emotions? Even now, even when he made a drastic choice on his own, that smile was still displayed. Still holding a brave front... and for who? For his own sake? Or was it for Haru's? What was he trying to prove by leaving him with that smile?_

_“It's fine,” Haru finally said._

_'Please end this suffering, don't leave me to linger with your sweet gestures.'_

_“I'll give you a call when I'm settled in. And...” Makoto paused and took notice to the indifferent glance he received in return, was Haru's blank stare registering his voice at all, was there even a point to continue the sentence... “You're always welcome to come visit. I have room... and the school has a pretty big pool. We could still swim together if you're up for it.”_

_Haru nodded. He opened his mouth to speak but the words he wanted so desperately to say were lost on him, forever stuck in his throat because he knew there was something more important than his feelings. He held back his selfish desires just this once._

_'Please don't go.'_

_'Don't leave me here alone.'_

_'Don't leave like everybody else.'_

_For a second, Makoto flinched, taking one hasty step forward before stopping himself. Haru noticed it too. How stupid could he be.._

_He was transparent. It was useless to try to hide things from Makoto. In that moment, they both understood each other's feelings completely. Makoto understood Haru's vacant expression and internal struggle, and chose to dismiss it. Haru understood Makoto's weakness and his inability to lock his selfish desire within him prompting him to show up at the door this morning, and he chose to ignore it._

_Both stayed silent, neither able to come up with something that could be said to sooth the other's pain. More than likely, there wasn't anything. This far down the line... nothing could be done. Nothing could be said to fill the emptiness of the silent minutes that passed. Makoto took a deep breath, blinking away tears, and slowly stepping forward to reach his arms around his friend. Haru's eyes widened when he felt Makoto's arms come together around him. He couldn't breathe._

_'Please don't do this...'_

_“Take care of yourself, alright?” Makoto solemnly said before breaking apart. There was silence that followed and it came as no surprise to Makoto, due to experience, due to habit, maybe just due to how well he knew the person standing motionless in front of him. Haru wouldn't answer him, so he didn't wait for a response. He turned to leave, pulling the door closed behind him._

_“Goodbye, Haruka.”_

\- - -

“Here,” Rin's voice snapped Haru out of his thoughts. His eyes were glazed over, and as observant as Rin was, it wouldn't go unnoticed. Why did he have to remember that memory now? Why after trying to block it from his mind for so long?

“Thanks,” he said, taking the water bottle and drinking a generous amount. The tension was obvious, neither having the initiative to bring up what needed to be said. Rin sank to the ground and crouched beside Haru.

“Are you feeling better?” he quietly asked.

“Yeah... sorry.”

“It's okay, I just don't really understand what's happening with you I guess... I've been away much longer so... you have to fill me in,” Rin looked up with hopeful eyes, praying that Haru would finally say something.

“What about you? We barely get updates from you, what have you been doing?” Haru muttered.

“No, this isn't about me, Haru,” Rin ran a hand through his hair, this running in circles was exhausting, “Don't change the subject, I'm not going to drop this, so just spill it.”

Haru rolled his eyes.

“There's nothing to spill. It's too cold to swim so I haven't been in practice. Makoto and Rei are in Tokyo, Nagisa is working a new job, so I haven't really seen anybody. The lack of activity just took a toll on me I guess, I underestimated it.”

Rin shook his head, “No see... I study books on how the body works for training, I know what it takes for muscles to diminish and 'lack of activity' isn't it, Haru. You haven't been moving _at all_. If I had to explain this, I'd say you weren't eating either. I didn't notice it until we swam, but your swimsuit doesn't cling to your legs anymore. Muscle deterioration doesn't happen that quickly! It's actually really scary to see...”

Seijuuro eyed Rin's shaky hands. He wasn't kidding, it was worrisome. Rin had a point, muscle didn't diminish that quickly unless he wasn't eating... or had a disease. To think that Haru would take it this far...

“Nanase, I think you'd better say something about all this. I don't want to be the one to do it for you,” the red head noted sternly.

“There's nothing to say...” Haru sighed. He pushed his tired body up, walking over to the bench where he left his clothes and ignoring the sigh he heard behind him.

“Haru, wait!” Rin shouted, running after him. Haru slipped his clothes back on quickly, wrapping his sweater around himself for warmth.

“Haru, this isn't a joke anymore. Look at yourself.” Rin's voice grew lower reflecting the obvious anger that had awakened from the stubbornness. But wasn't this to be expected by now?

“I know! I get it!” he snapped.

“...this really is about Makoto, isn't it?”

_Stop saying his name._

Haru didn't have the strength in him to deny it any longer. Instead, he bit his lip and tightened his fists as he felt a burn stinging at his eyes. He shied back when Rin stepped closer, craning his neck to catch the troubled glance.

“It hurts, Rin.”

There was no going back.

“All the time, it's just... it's just cold. And I can't pull myself out of it.”

“Go see him.” Rin voice made it clear that it wasn't a suggestion. It was a threat. Just like Nagisa's. “Go see him and soon. If not for his sake, do it for your own.”

“I can't.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Do you really have to ask that? You know exactly what will happen if I go see him. He'll see through me in a second and I'll be a distraction. I'll be burdening him again, holding him back even more..”

“You are the most idiotic kid I know.”

“You're one to talk...”

“I don't want to hear another excuse out of you. I swear to God, if you do not go see him, I will personally drag you onto a train and toss you into his dorm room handcuffed.” Haru froze. Rin could very easily get handcuffs on his wrists, leaving him alone in the darkness of an empty unfamiliar dorm room, only to stare at an alarm clock in anticipation for when that door would finally open and reveal the surprised face of the person he's put so much trouble into avoiding. It's not something he would put past Rin at all..

“And I'll give Nagisa the key...”

\- - -

[Nagisa and I bought train tickets for the 22nd]


End file.
